If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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