Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
