We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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