I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
