So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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