My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
