I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
