Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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