and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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