Rock
Scissors
Fuck
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We need a shit load of segways right now
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
