everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
