1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
