Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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