hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
