New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
