I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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