Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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