We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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