Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
