My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
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Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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