I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
