Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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