why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
