wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
soo... how was my night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
