Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
