Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
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The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
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so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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