Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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