I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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