if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
