Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
