I cannot find my penis.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Oh god it's open bar.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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