I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Come back. Shots need mouths.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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