I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
