omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
