I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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