My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
