ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
