I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
