i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
