My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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