I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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