Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
