I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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