I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
