i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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