I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
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He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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