You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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