Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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