if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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