I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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