Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
