genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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