i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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