She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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